One more time.

I said to myself, Its done, its over. I've fucked it up enough. I don't even want a relationship anymore.

HAHAHAHA. turned out first chance I got I tried to get one with her again, only to be what? strung along another two times?

Well, it happened. Atleast I was happy for a week thinking I had someone who could just be mine, but then this following week trapped at home, alone, isn't worth it.

Just sitting here, I have to try and stop myself from talking to her. From even just saying hi, or I know that i'll just fall into the same place I was at the start of this week. I've said i'm done with her, and most of me meant it, I've said it to the people who I burden with my complaining, and I am sticking by it. Part of me wants to fall back, atleast I could find some happiness in the misery.

A World Without Meaning

How can we continue to live in a world without meaning? This has been on my mind as I have lost my way. Like I don't know why I do things anymore and the things I do are for false or shallow reasons. I almost lost it earlier today because I felt that cold and alone as i had noone to turn to even though I know there are so many of my friends I can count and rely on. Its the fact that I dont want to burden them as well, even though i'm certain they don't mind or that they are happy to help me. This feeling of being alone in like at the moment is haunting me and I dont know what to do, I want new people in my life because honestly at the moment, i've lost all whom I had feelings for and in my heart there is so much regret and sadness....

Hooray for my silly problems.

A Matter Of Time

It may just be the hour but I decided to read some other blogs, of people I know.  I'm not sure if it was the time, or just the effect of coffee on me at night but one of them got to me.
Just the fact that she is usually upbeat in the class I have with her, but like with most people she is a very different person outside of class.

Sometimes the sheer truth of people is quite upsetting considering the similarities it has to my own life and thoughts at times. Even if this may seem comforting that someone else is going through the same its not really. I don't see why we as a whole are essentially forced to consider this due to our inner demons and so forth, maybe its merely another example of a Stand Alone Complex, how so many individuals are facing the same inner demons even though they have had no connection prior to this. In a way its just as if its another virus in modern society, created by the pressures that society has placed on us.
Also the grab for attention through social media sites such as facebook, twitter and youtube. Seriously, the other day at about 11pm I was sitting on facebook when this popped up.

"I hate being a loner. always being put down but people, even the ones i consider. why do i always have to be the one that gets rejected. its just not fair"

Clearly all the person wanted was attention, why post your problems there if you just want to express yourself. Do what normal people do and get a blog. Obviously this is just another rant but yeah.

Personally the only thing I am sick of is myself really. Just my whole concept of life really, the lack of motivation, laziness, the facade I put on for others. 4 years in and I'm just getting sick of it.